Groups and stuff

The problem is, I don’t know much in depth. Although, I don’t know much in general, but that’s another problem. I’m interested in many things, I think I’m really open-minded and willing to try things. But I’m never passionate over one thing only. That’s why I’m boring. I will say like, yes, I like it. dot. End of conversation. I have nothing more to say. Or people aren’t interested in what I like profoundly. Or they think it’s weird that I can be suddenly so enthusiastic. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I don’t know. But I have to give the credits of this sentence to Socrates.

The thing is, I will never be in a group. Because I like more things than the rest of my group members do. Meanwhile I start doing things outside the group. I will never fit in. Not that I think it’s necessary to ‘fit in’ but it’s easier sometimes. You can say that you don’t have to fit in and stuff, but on the other hand, you will end up all alone if you don’t find anyone sharing and caring something with you. I notice it as well here, when I’m doing karate with a group, while my study friends are not doing anything except for studying. Then I go to the orchestra, with a lot of people who aren’t even studying anymore. The only person I think is kind of like me is Inge. But she is Dutch and more social than I am. She is actually really really nice and she is one of the few who I think is a friend of mine here.

I’m not sure what I should do. Focussing on one or just doing what I’m doing now? Now that I think about it, I did the latter already my whole life. I will fit in in this way eventually I hope. Just be kind to everyone, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. And here, I have to credit Plato.

The only thing I know is that I don’t know.

Funeral after a suicide

My mom came back from a funeral last week. Apparently the youngest child of a friend from college committed suicide. Last time the saw her friend, she said that they really had to meet before December. This only became true because of this sad event. It was really unexpected.

Anyway, she was telling about the ceremony. How his best friend, a teacher, his sisters made a speech what a wonderful person he was. How they could not believe he could ever think that he was a failure when he wrote his goodbye letter. That he was so talented and smart.

I started to think, why are you telling that now? You could have told him that when he was still alive, it could have saved him. (If thinking in could have is correct, which isn’t but I will not elaborate on that now). People are competing with each other until they destroy themselves. Tell fucking everyone how great they are and actually are, because you are the other viewpoint which they don’t see. Maybe it’s not the best, but almost the best you’ve seen. Fucking tell them that you believe in them. People are so harsh on themselves and on others. Tell your loved ones, tell the people you care about that they can be great. Be honest that actually, they are amazing.



Don’t tell people things which aren’t true. If you don’t believe in them, then don’t say it. But seriously, tell people how amazing they are, they need it.

And I know you are.

Giving up

I had to make my portfolio for tomorrow. However this would be an ecological disaster without any purpose (but I will not elaborate on this) I did not do it out of uselessness.
And laziness.

I think it's weak. No, it is weak, I know. And I already put some effort in it so it is all a waste now. Anyway, I have to get my life back on track. This is not the way my life is going to work. I have to find some motivation, some purpose. And discipline. I have to start reading books. Because I love it. I have to start reading about China and Japan. Because I love it. I have to do Erasmus. Although I'm scared as hell how it will turn out. I would love it. I think at least.

So I finally have to get rid of this stupid thoughts and just do something, fill the gap.

And I am going to break up with my boyfriend, however I'm scared as hell what I'm going to do without him. This doesn't work. I will be forever alone, but it's better than now hoping he will reply, be online on skype or something.

I start over again.
I will

I don't want to be like the Paradise song, I want to get fulfillment in my life, not only in my dreams.

Introduction

Hello there,
although not everyone is 'there'. Where is there? On the internet? Anyway, this is a blog where I'm probably going to post pictures, music and quotes, texts and so forth. Not all is mine, but I'll link the source of it. I have a tumblr account as well, but I decided that texts do not get as much respect as they should there. It focusses too much on the visual scrolling and not the slow but strong power of words. Although I have a slight feeling that everything is going to be pretty random, so I'm warning you.
I'm native Dutch, but I'm studying in English so I'll be posting in both languages, it depends on how I feel. I'm not native English, so please forgive me if I'm making mistakes or use expressions in English that don't exist. French, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Ancient Greek, Latin and German can also appear, however this will be less common because my level of those languages is very low. Especially my active knowledge, passive knowledge of French and German is still kind of ok.

I have another blog as well where I write opinions, though it's in Dutch.